Exclusive Arsenal Offside Interview with Darren Fletcher

By: Martin | November 9th, 2009

On the heels of third-place Manchester United’s loss to Chelsea yesterday, Darren Fletcher made the claim that he had only been called for a foul on Ashley Cole because of comments Arsene Wenger had made in the media two months ago (comments which did not even mention Darren Fletcher’s name). We here at the Arsenal Offside found these comments curious, and it seemed like a bizarre and misguided attempt to deflect attention from third-place Manchester United’s shortcomings in the match and to try to drag Arsenal into the discussion. So we arranged an interview with Fletcher, who kindly took the time to explain his comments to us. Interview transcript after the jump:

The Arsenal Offside (TAO): Darren, first off, thanks for joining us here.

Darren Fletcher (DF): No problem, I’m glad for the opportunity to clarify my comments.

TAO: Sure. Now, you said that you were only called for the foul which led to Chelsea’s winning goal because of comments Arsene Wenger made in the press two months ago.

DF: Correct. You say that like it’s an outlandish claim.

TAO: Well, I just think that most people would say blaming a loss on a manager who was not involved in the game because he made vague comments about how third-place Manchester United played “anti-football” and didn’t even mention you by name two months ago is taking the blame game to new and unforeseen levels, even for third-place Manchester United.

DF: Well, how would you explain it? What do you think, that we somehow just lost because, like, what, the other team was better than us? NOW who’s being ridiculous?

TAO: It just doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. For one thing, if the referees were influenced by anything Arsene Wenger said, it seems like referees would crack down on clubs which play anti-football against Arsenal, which certainly hasn’t been the case. Secondly, if they wanted to crack down on malicious fouls, it seems unbelievable that they wouldn’t crack down on Chelsea. Finally, um…if they were after you because of your reputation, you probably would have been called for any of the half-dozen or so bookable offenses you committed before you got called for Ashley Cole.

DF: See, you’re just wrong. I also wanted to address that last bit you said, about me committing all those fouls. That just didn’t happen. I saw the replays, but I can tell you now that all of that was doctored to make it look like I was committing those easily-bookable fouls. They used CGI and trick photography in a deliberate attempt to make Chelsea look good and [ed: third-place] us look bad. It’s the same technology they used in “Jurassic Park” and “Lord of the Rings.”

TAO: Wait—let me understand this correctly. You’re claiming that the live video feed of the game was doctored by someone in a deliberate attempt to make Chelsea look better than third-place Manchester United? That’s quite a claim—who are “they?”

DF: (chuckles) Come on, Martin, you’re so naïve. It’s the Russian mafia, man! They’re in league with Roman Abramovich and the FA to form a Premiership shadow government that makes sure Chelsea wins the league.

TAO: Why would the FA want Chelsea to win?

DF: I have never told anyone this, but for the past several years, I have on multiple occasions been visited in dreams by a giant, grotesque creature who identifies himself only as “the dark troll.” As a young boy, my dream was to play for [ed: third-place] Manchester United, and one night the dark troll told me to gather up seven live kittens, a pound of cheese, and VHS copies of Rocky III and Rocky IV. I was to place those items in a basket under the bridge near my house that night, and if I did, the dark troll promised that all my dreams would come true. I followed his instructions exactly, and the next day, the basket was gone. That afternoon, I was contacted and offered scholarship terms from [ed: third-place] Manchester United. Ever since, I have done the bidding of the dark troll when asked and not questioned his powers of foresight. The dark troll recently informed me in a dream that FA Chairman Lord Triesman is also under his spell, and has been told in no uncertain terms that if Chelsea fails to win the league this year, Lady GaGa will assassinate Nelson Mandela. So obviously the FA has decided to ensure Chelsea’s triumph to preserve the life of the great South African leader. It’s as plain as day. Besides, something clearly is going on here–I suppose next you’re going to tell me that you think Terry actually headed that ball cleanly into the net?

TAO: You’re saying he didn’t?

DF: Absolutely not! Watch the video closely, broken down frame by frame, and you’ll see that when the ball came off his head, it was headed well wide of the post, but then it suddenly curved—in mid-air, mind you—back into the corner of the goal. It’s done using magnets. Here’s how it works: Russian Mafia/FA operatives plant super-strong uranium-infused negative-polarized magnets around the back of the net Chelsea is attacking, and put super-strong uranium-infused positive-polarized magnets in the goalposts of the goal [ed: third-place] Manchester United is attacking. Then the ball itself is lined externally with positive-polarized magnets, so the ball is magnetically pulled into the back of the net when Chelsea shoots, and is magnetically repelled away from the goal whenever a [ed: third-place] Manchester United player shoots.

TAO: But that doesn’t even make sense, since the teams switch goals at half-time.

DF: (Sighs deeply) I guess I have to spell out everything for you—the magnetic polarization is obviously computer activated and controlled, so Russian mafia operatives switch the polarization of the goal magnets from a satellite-connected Moscow supercomputer at half-time. How else would you explain the fact that we only got two shots on goal the entire match?

TAO: A crap midfield? A complete and utter lack of link-up play, forcing you to just hoof the ball upfield? Rooney being forced to constantly come back deep into his own half just to touch the ball? Poor wing play which didn’t force Chelsea’s diamond formation to stretch out wide at all? Failure to capitalize on your huge advantage in corner kicks? No impact subs? Tendency to…

DF: (Interrupting) Look, if you’re going to talk CRAZY like that, this interview is over. (hangs up phone)

Well, there you have it. We know from listening to Alex Ferguson over the years that third-place Manchester United have never ever been outplayed, they only occasionally lose or draw when the referee or some other outside factor conspires to cheat them out of the game. So the culprits this time, according to Darren Fletcher, are, respectively: Arsene Wenger, the Russian mafia, CGI, the FA, magnets, and the dark troll. Many thanks to Darren for sitting down with us and reminding us what dignified and gracious losers third-place Manchester United are.

And just because I’m a risk-averse attorney: This was, quite obviously, parody, and the interview was completely fabricated. It was a result of boredom at work and preemptive boredom with the international break.