Arsenal Transfer Window 101

By: Darren_v | January 10th, 2012

TransferWindow It’s January, and in the footballing world January means only one thing. The winter transfer window, where player names are bandied about as potential new players and the ones we love to hate are bound and gagged in hopes that someone will take them off our hands.

For the next twenty one days, rumors will abound. Expect to hear the names of Lukas Podolski, Eden Hazard, Mario Goetze, Chris Samba and everyone’s favorite, Sebastien Frey, to be linked with Arsenal. Meanwhile Gooners will be asking how soon we can be rid of Manuel Almunia, Andrei Arshavin, Abou Diaby and Marouane Chamakh. It’s going to be tedious fun.

Here’s your class on how to deal with this wonderful time of year.

Of course there are always shiny brand new names that pop up unexpectedly. Matias Suarez is the new name will be our test study for this lesson. Some ‘reporter’ who is allegedly extremely reliable started the rumor last week, stating that Arsenal had made a bid for Suarez (no, not the racist one).

Step 1- Wikipedia MSuarez

The first step you must always take, and this is vital, is to immediately Google said player’s name and find out his details on the always reliable* Wikipedia. I mean honestly, no one knows who all these players are and Wikipedia will tell you all you need to know. Wikipedia will tell you that his full name Matías Ezequiel Suárez (bonus points awarded for the use of asterisks) and that he is forward/winger from Argentina, currently playing for Anderlecht. Don’t worry, if you are unsure where the club is, just Wikipedia that as well, it’s all in the learning curve. You will find it is a Belgian club, so I’ll spare you the time this once. You will now have the inside information to ‘wow’ your twitter followers that you know his first professional club was the Argentine Belgrano, something no one else will know and gain you more followers. Getting his scoring stats of 25 goals in 96 matches for Anderlecht will not necessarily give you more credence, but reading the page gives you the impressive knowledge that he scored his first hat-trick in the Europa League this season v AEK Athens.

With some solid base knowledge of the new target you are now ready for the next step.

*- It’s not that that reliable

Step 2 – YouTube

Knowledge is nothing without knowing how a player plays the game. A player could be like Arshavin who doesn’t seem to do much, but scores, or the player could be an all action, speedy winger like Walcott. You never really know unless you go to YouTube and really find out about the player. I have provided one video for you, but it is necessary to see as many videos as you can, to be really sure about Suarez. You can never have too much information after all.

From this YouTube foray you now know enough to form a solid opinion. You can clearly see his pace and trickery to beat defenders and keepers alike. He has a solid outside shot and can even score with his head; three things Arsenal are in desperate need of. If you are technically inclined, it is recommended to make your own YouTube video welcoming the player to Arsenal. Ensure you use a catchy tune when doing so, like this:

Step 3 – State Opinion

Having done the required body work of the rumored player, you are now fully qualified to give your opinion of Matías Ezequiel Suárez. If you have a twitter account, it is a great place to rant about how good he is, and the comment section of blogs is even better because you are not confined to only 140 characters. And with your wealth of knowledge (and a massively long name) you will need all the space you can get to dispose your knowledge on the less informed. Remember, words like ‘class, trickery, and pace’ will get more attention.

Step 4 – Write a Blog

This is important. Comments are all well and good, but it’s difficult to reference a comment on someone else’s blog two years from now. The problem with stating an opinion is that there will always be those that are disagree with you. They will disregard that you have gone through the necessary steps to form your opinion as given in this lesson, and will argue in ignorance that Wikipedia and YouTube are not a good place to formulate opinions. DO NOT LISTEN. Write your blog and ensure you rant about all the qualities of the player. Talk about how you have known about this player for the five four years he has been playing in Belgium and how you are a massive fan of his game. Talk about how his qualities are essential for this current Arsenal squad and how they are lacking his exact skills. Add a YouTube video in to support your superior and valid opinion and end the blog with the video you made while finishing Step 2.

Now you have the reference point for years to come.

Step 5 – Outrage

This is Arsenal, and the Arsenal never sign quality players. Arsenal will sign teenagers with potential or washed up Russians. Anyone who is quality and cost more than a six-pence is not in Wenger’s plans and we all know this. Wenger loves to balance the books and the Shareholders love to take massive dividends.* The transfer window will go on and Matías Ezequiel Suárez will not be bought as you know he should be. Arsenal is sure to go into a tailspin and will flirt with relegation without him (Arsenal will draw with Swansea and lose to Manchester United) and you will be fully justified he isn’t in the Arsenal red and white. Extreme moaning at this time is acceptable and highly encouraged. You want to really make your point know.

Step 6 – New Blog Post

With a convincing win in the FA Cup to Aston Villa and Bolton being destroyed afterwards where Chamberlain and Walcott and Benayoun sparkle in both matches, Arsenal look set to contend for the FA Cup trophy and a top four finish looks like it’s in the bag. Thankfully you have started your own blog in Step 4 and you can now blog about how well the club is doing, and how needless Matías Ezequiel Suárez is/was to the Arsenal squad. After all, Gervinho will be back from Africa soon and with the Ox, Arshavin, Walcott, Ryo and Benayoun Arsenal are loaded in the wing position. Be sure to add in this blog posting that Matías Ezequiel Suárez has never played for the Argentina National Team, and therefore clearly is not any good. Step one proving vital once again. It’s about building a solid foundation of knowledge.

Step 7 – Poor Recruitment

Now is the time to change your focus slightly. Using your latest blog where you show how Arsenal is loaded on wingers with talent, you need to question why Wenger even considered signing Matías Ezequiel Suárez. Where Arsenal need help is at fullback and a backup striker! Talk about how poor Djourou is at right back and how much a crock Kieran Gibbs is. This is sure to garner most people’s support as no one like Djourou and Gibbs really is a crock. Suggest Leighton Baines as a possible signing, and ensure you state how bad Chamakh is, because we don’t want to rely on his ability again. Ensure you talk about Wenger’s love for tricky youngsters and not filling needs in the squad. Holes in the squad and Arsenal go searching for another Fancy-Nancy!

Step 8 – Rival Buy Target Player

As all Gooners know, whenever Arsenal is linked to a player, Man City and Chelsea are destined to be linked with the same player. It is a rite of passage, and as sure to happen as the sun will rise from the east. And it makes sense, what with Arsenal’s fabled scouting networks and penchant for buying quality on the cheap. Eventually one of the rivals will sign Matías Ezequiel Suárez and you will be one of the most qualified to comment on this signing, thanks to you following this guide, allowing you to seamlessly slide into the next step with immaculate ease.

Step 9 – Criticism for Not Signing Player

It’s pretty frustrating to do all that work for an Arsenal transfer target, only for him going to a hated rival. If only Arsenal had acted quickly at the start of the transfer window like they should have, instead of acting like the tight-money fisted cheap skates that they are! Instead of ensuring Matías Ezequiel Suárez came to Arsenal, Wenger fought over a measly one million dollars, and now Chelsea/City/Sp*rs has that quality winger Arsenal were in dire need of. Now we all have to watch Matías Ezequiel Suárez light up the league like Ricky Alvarez is doing for Internazionale in Italy. * Wait for Arsenal to lose a match or draw in poor fashion again before moving onto the next step to ensure the next point is valid.

*-Be sure to use Wikipedia to check to see if he is actually playing well for them or not. You don’t want to look foolish

Step 10 – Wenger Out!

You now have a legitimate reason for needing Arsene Wenger fired. The non-signing of Matías Ezequiel Suárez is the final straw and it’s time to get someone who will spend big money during the transfer window. Someone that will take the silly season seriously. Arsene Wenger has a massive transfer kitty at his disposal and only signs an aging, worthless 34 year old from the MLS on Loan. Honestly? Major League Soccer from the USA. They call it Soccer, not football! And he can only play for six weeks! How can Arsenal expect to stay in the top four without spending big money? This is madness and the only way Arsenal will succeed is by firing Arsene Wenger. Illustrate by referencing the 2011 summer transfer window and the 8-2 loss at Manchester United to really drive home this point. Don’t worry, by time the next match comes around the transfer window will be closed and you can forget your previous worries and qualms with every Arsenal win.

If you have been able to complete this class, you have successfully inundated yourself as a true Gooner. Remember to refer back to your training here for the next transfer window and everything will run smoothly for you.

————————————————————————————————————————————————-

And remember, Matías Ezequiel Suárez was purely used as an example as he is unable to move to Arsenal.

Suarez

*Thanks to @Cristina0ana and @IAmSairax for this idea.

Some Related Stories:

It’s Christmas*, so you know what that means… transfer speculation!

Category: Arsenal News

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Orion

Darren, this cracked me up. I've sometimes found myself guilty of doing this, which is probably why I found it hilarious. Well done, sir. Well done indeed.
Martin

I kind of love this article -- awesome job, Darren. I also love how many people are completely missing the point of it.
Darren_V

My favorite part was reading the comments that missed the point.I don't think I could've possibly contridicted myself any more that I did.
Well worth the laugh anyways
SJGgumby

Darren knew what he was doing putting that bait about Arshavin out there. That's some crafty blogging.
Bumblefock

i'm gonna travel to france in a custom t-shirt saying "WASHOUT RUSSIAN HERE" and catch patoux
Patoux21

Too bad I am not even in France! Anyway Arshavin is my dream fantasy player ah no my mind is playing tricks it is Alex Hleb at least he went to Barca ... for the worse unfortunately
Patoux21

Too bad I am not even in France! Anyway Arshavin is my dream fantasy player ah no my mind is playing tricks it is Alex Hleb at least he went to Barca ... for the worse unfortunately
Patoux21

Too bad I am not even in France! Anyway Arshavin is my dream fantasy player ah no my mind is playing tricks it is Alex Hleb at least he went to Barca ... for the worse unfortunately
Bumblefock

arshavin is the coolest because he never posts thrice
eijner

trolololololololo
Bumblefock

oops. and of course i'll have a spare saying "WASHED UP RUSSIAN". because my short term visual memory fails me often
Winston

This was a hilarious article. This should be put on Bleacher Report under "How To Write for Bleacher Report."
Patoux21

"With a convincing win in the FA Cup to Aston Villa and Bolton being destroyed afterwards" I would add Leeds as well!
ArsenalZeus

Great article, one of the best, pulling a typical Arsenal fan that I have seen way too many times, but in a sarcastic light. Fantastic.
Guest

Not typical.

But good article.

Nicely done satire
Nabzy

Yeah I agree with Danny, this whole article is bullshit and obviously written by someone who doesn't understand the true spirit of football. Do you have any idea if Wenger were to be sacked, it would take some 5-10 more seasons to get a coach that can manage all the players at Arsenal like Wenger has? Same hate douchebags like this guy who wrote this article
gerba

i cant tell if you're being sarcastic or stupid
Tomisin

Hilarious blog entry...funniest i've read so far on the offside, keep it up Darren
Danny

Whoever this is you clearly know NOTING about arsenal. Coming from a lifelong fan had a season ticket since 78/79 and havent looked back. If we sacked wenger every single team in the WORLD would want him including yes BARCELONA. He single handedly changed english football! Hate hate hate people like you who know nothing
Gunnerson

Lol. Not the best instance to drop your Arsenal cred. Now we know you are too old to not understand a fairly simple blog. Otherwise we would have just taken you for a high school troll and moved on.
Darren_V

On the plus side, I can at least spell NOTHING correctly.
Winston

He was kidding about firing Wenger.
Benjamin Dockter

Haha. Again. Total fail for sarcasm on the internet. Although, Darren laid it on pretty heavy. I'm surprised people didn't get that.
Phallus

Who cares about trophies anyway. The fans can buy those for $25 at any sporting goods retailer. Let United and City have all the trophies , who cares?
LachlanS

Hes got you there Darren! How dare you suggest we sack Wenger! What would you know anyway?
Louis

But remember a whole lot of fans were questioning whether we should keep Wenger after this season due to the atrocious start to the season Arsenal had. I'm not saying he should be sacked anytime soon (Waiting til Guardiola leaves Barca), but their are a lot of times where his actions and choices should be questioned e.g. Letting Fabregas go because they thought he wouldn't put in 100%, even though Tottenham kept Modric and he is performing really well and Fabregas had a lot more passion and respect for his club than Modric did.
formos

We'll never find out the deal between Wenger and Fabregas. It just might be, that Cesc loved Arsenal and extended his contract for us to gain some dough instead of leaving for free like Flamoney... By doing so he might have agreed with Wenger to be sold for cut price, but still making money vs. leaving for free. If you look at things fro that perspective it looks not too bad.
Perry S.

No, there is just way too much conspiracy in this theory for Wenger bashers to ever believe it. He just "lies" too much, because apparently no other managers say one thing to the media/public and do things otherwise (by way of financial & ownership process) in the back room. ;)
Gigi_man

I read somewhere that Barca wanted him....why doesnt Almunia has Barca DNA?

This was an answer to Will, but as Iread it now, I make no sense.

Hey where's Fred and his links¿
And whats that news Homey had regarding the site?
Homey_Mills

Gigi, did you miss my last blog from a few days ago?
Gigi_man

Hey man, just left a note in that article.
Thanks for all the good work and for keeping this site together, awsome job!
The Homey train still has a ticket holder here (although I stepped down in a station) so dont be a stranger!
Man I missed so much that I also missed the Martins "got back" article, Martin back at the same time as Titi, nice. You leaving not so nice but at least its not to the Barza offside right hahahahaha
Gigi_man

Oh my God, did you say "last"? Man thats sad.
Guess I did, going back right now.
I was in the Panamanian mountains, 3000 mters and spring weather...aaahhh gotta love the tropic!!
Gigi_man

You are spying on me! hahahahhaaha great stuff.
Except the Arsha part, Perry and I resent it... snif, snif
Perry S.

And bumblefock...he's a big supporter to. Actually, Darren is too!
Darren_V

I'm not a 'big' supporter as I seem. I think he has massive deficiencies in his game and has been out of form for too long.
I just cannot stand people who freak out needlessly on a player just because they don't like him, or have made their opinion on a player and refuse to deviate from that opinion.
Rico

Some people got upset at me when I bashed Nasri, even though he is a ex player and a cunt.... I mean a country player for France.
Patoux21

That's your problem who really cares if Nasri is playing shit or well he's no longer a Gunner but bringing it back on every game played by City is ridiculous. This is supposed to be an Arsenal blog I believe. On the other end Arshavin is still a Gunner and to be honest he hasn't played well for a while and yesterday was no exception and many people outside this blog agree on this. I've never criticized Arshavin on a personal level but just based on his performances whereas you seem to enjoy insulting Nasri not exclusively on his football level but on his background (he's French so what? isn't Thierry Henry French too??) and "alleged" cunt
Bumblefock

patoux, sweetheart, i would like to drop this beaten subject for arshavin as per your request if you only would kindly reply my comment with answers for the following quiz about 10-11 season, which was just before this season and less then a year ago.
i know how much you like stats and facts. please tell me which of these stats belongs to arsha, walcott, fabregas and nasri:
1) 52 appearances; 10 goals; 17 assists
2) 38 apps; 9 goals; 7 assists
3) 36 apps; 9 goals; 17assists
4) 46 apps; 15 goals; 5 assists
Guest

1 - shava 2 - walcott 3 - cesc 4 - nasru
Rico

Patoux, you need to calm down. My point was I was bashing an ex player and people still got upset. Why does it upset you? Trust me I know this is an Arsenal Blog.
What has being French got to do with my insult? It was a poor attempt at humour in disguising the word "cunt" to "country". Did you get that? oh I forgot! you had that humour bypass several years ago.
Yes Henry is French, I would of thought you knew that at least. Also! so is Wenger, just for future reference.

Haven't you noticed its YOU who seems to start all the aggressive commenting to others and what they commented.
Darren_V

Patoux, we get it. You think Arshavin had a poor game vs Leeds, and all French players are generally above criticism from you.
Can we just leave it at that? This horse has been beaten well enough by now.
Let's agree to disagree and move on.
Patoux21

I feel like the Doctor Doom of this blog ok you've defeated me I give up
Gigi_man

No, you re not, we love you, you make us laugh. Its just that you are, sometimes, a little , well, you know.

mes amitiés à la France :)
Rico

Dr Doom
Gigi_man

4-men club!
Patoux21

You guys are the fantastic 4 of this blog just like Almunia, Andrei Arshavin, Abou Diaby and Marouane Chamakh are for Arsenal
Gigi_man

Oh you're just jealous you are not part of the Fantastic Four. Thx for the name BTW, reminds me of the Back Four :) and you are then calling those 4 fantastic...make up your mind :P

hey check out justarsenal's gossip...Suarez AND Arsha!
Patoux21

just a bit of fun! As for the gossips I hope they materialize!
Gigi_man

yeah its fun :) as per the gossips, lets hope one yes the other one noooo
Fergie

9A. Observe that Wenger will never pay over $100K/Wk so will never be able to really attract world-class talent. Matias Suarez was always going to go with Mata or Nasri just like Hazard will.
Winston

The guy plays in Belgium. Last year Lukaku the big Belgain star was going to replace Drogba, look how that turned out. M. Suarez could at least have the decency to play for a Dutch team before we say he'sthe next big thing.
Louis

Fabregas got payed over $100k/Wk at Arsenal...
Fergie

And City and Chelsea pay their world class players in the neighborhood of $200k/Wk or more. And not only one guy.
LachlanS

God, how many times does this need to be stated? Players don't earn that sort of money. No one at Chelsea earns that sort of money. I would be surprised if anyone at Chelsea were getting more than 150,000 a week.
Fergie

Juan Mata is on 180,000 pounds/Wk which equates to $290,000 dollars per week.
Homey_Mills

I wrote a blog about that on August 28, where I went into a lot of details about what players make. I would recommend it to a friend.
Patoux21

Talking of transfer Wenger could make a bid for Bale since we cant have Podolski in Jan
Will

Doubt Bale would pull the Judas move, but that would certainly be nice, lol
Louis

He would cost us at least $35 mil, would be a stupid signing if we did actually get him
Perry S.

Agreed, he's good but not worth that kind of $$ IMHO.
Benjamin Dockter

Nice.
Patoux21

"washed up Russians" good one! to be honest I think Arsh wasn't washed up when he joined Arsenal but only 2 yrs ago and I have my little theory: there were rumours that Barca wanted him in 2010 or more likely that Arsh wanted to leave to Barca (even before joining Arsenal he wanted to join to Barca who were also already interested but their low offer was denied by Zenith) but it didnt happen so since then he didnt give a fuck about Arsenal and instead is giving his best to the Russian national team with a smile on his face. Plz dont tell me its a field position issue because any talented player should be able to adapt and hes not a one-man team quality like when Arsenal used to play with Henry was our main man upfront back prior to 2006 (ah good times). Anyway no harm done I hope to all the Arsh fanbase here just giving my view .... but if anyone can shed some light on this
Louis

Another theory is because Russia didn't make the world cup, Arshavin just kind of let go and didn't put in as much effort as before.
Gigi_man

for what is worth, there are Arsenal players who are "better known" or favourites" of the ESPN and Fox Lat Am commentators, and Arsha is one of them, along with among others Walcott, RvP, Vermaelen and Song (Nasri and Cesc were also in the last years list).
So over here he is a trademark :P
Dorbell

Arshavin. I went to Watkins Mill Elementary School, that's all I got to say about this skeleton of a player.
☚ Rashidee ★

Field Position issue is important here, put Mertesacker as a striker, he will be slow just like Chamakh.Aerial abilities but slow,In Russia Arshavin played at his favoured position,Free role Attacking Mid is that suits him and make him a superstar at Zenit and Russia Euro 2008, Wenger put him on the flanks since he's arrived, so ur blaming he is not giving his best,lol these guys are professional footballer, and always gives their best. stop blaming him, he tried his best,he performs well at Zenit and Russia because of his position,he only giving his best at the national team. Deploy him in AM so he can perform his best at Arsenal
Dorbell

I'm with you dawg. Arshavin is an idiot of imbecilic proportions.
Will

His idiocy is imbecile in size? Not sure what you're getting at, mate.
Guest

meh. dorbell has an IQ of a doorbell
Will

You are unbelievably cynical about Arshavin. This whole thing needs to be put to bed. He's in deplorable form considering his past few seasons but the man is ageing! Every player has a spell of bad form, and he's fallen and falling down the pecking order. At least give him till the summer... He cringes every time he does something wrong; he could work harder, but I don't think he's *quite* as malicious or indifferent as you think.
Patoux21

Yes you are right he's leaving soon apparently anyway so not worth the energy and time bash... no arguing
Gigi_man

Oh come on, he is not in the Chamakh/ Almunia category quand même
Patoux21

"Gooners will be asking how soon we can be rid of Manuel Almunia, Andrei Arshavin, Abou Diaby and Marouane Chamakh" but Abou Diaby shouldn't be in that category
Gigi_man

See Rico's comment down there. Says it all. Let him be, he is not a youngster, he can shine from time to time, he is not a gamble anymore.
Perry S.

Uhhh why not? Last I checked he's being fed a fancy paycheck and hasn't done a lick of anything for our club in years.
Rico

Who is this Diaby?

Its a joke that a player can go that long out of work and still get paid. I'd love for someone in the real world to try that and see how long they'd last.
Diaby should have to return the wages or leave. He's done fook all for god knows how long now. Oh apart from getting himself sent off at Newcastle and ruined the game.
brenton

We signed a contract with him, and we're honouring it. Pretty simple.
Rico

I didn't say I didn't understand the scenario. I merely said it was a joke.
brenton

Why is it a joke? If I get injured at work there are systems in place to make sure I don't get tossed out into the street.
Rico

why is it a joke? seriously? yes if you get injured at work you get the time off to recover but would your boss really take months and months to keep you on the team?
brenton

Not sure what country you live in, but yes, in Canada, I would be covered as long as I was still injured, and I would have a job when I was healed.
Perry S.

Nah, thats crap. I too live in Canada and they company will begin a "downsize" process while you are out and upon your return you would have a job for awhile to make cover their asses, and then they'd cut you. I've seen it done in front of my own eyes.
Gigi_man

I wonder if the labour law in England is as hard on the employer as here, here is really unfair to the point that even if an employee steals and you get him in jail, it doesnt count for his labour already acquired rights that have to be nonetheless paid. Labour law is a special law created based upon the (·dont know the word in English) services and works leasing, from civil law.
Have I achieved boredom? hahahhaa
Martin

Brenton, don't you understand? When a player, through no fault of their own, gets hurt or doesn't live up to expectations, they're worthless cunts and the team should be able to immediately, unilaterally cancel their contracts. When a player outperforms expectations, and ends up being paid less than they are worth and ask for a raise at the end of the contract, they are selfish cunts and the team should be able to underpay them for the rest of their careers without any complaint from the player.
Patoux21

Don't football players or clubs have some kind of insurance like those singing divas on their voice or sometimes bum?
brenton

I love the perfect contrast to these two responses.
Darren_V

I... like how you think. Where can I live in a Utopia like this?
Bumblefock

i want to post it to see how narrow my comment can be
SJGgumby

I laughed.
Bumblefock

really narrow
Bumblefock

this thread structure is a joke.WENGER OUT
Bumblefock

wow
Bumblefock

whoa
Bumblefock

welcome to the twilight zone
Patoux21

"Gooners will be asking how soon we can be rid of Manuel Almunia, Andrei Arshavin, Abou Diaby and Marouane Chamakh" but Abou Diaby shouldn't be in that category
Patoux21

"Gooners will be asking how soon we can be rid of Manuel Almunia, Andrei Arshavin, Abou Diaby and Marouane Chamakh" but Abou Diaby shouldn't be in that category
Dorbell

Arshavin sneezing around the pitch is like a helpless fish flopping on the sandy beaches of Gibraltar.
Patoux21

you are a ... poet somehow
Bumblefock

congrats on an imbecile friend, patoux. and i also feel you just have an issue with russians. this team has a plenty of players who underperform in one or another manner, and it's incredibly biased to focus on arshavin who's been out of form a part of the second half of 10/11 season, and this season. your "little theory" about a player who doesnt give a shit is laughable and it's obvious you've never been in sports professionally or semi-pro. his slump is directly connected with a shocking failure of russian national team to secure a spot in the 2010 World Cup, which happened from one shocking play-off match where things went wrong, just like they went wrong in our tottenham game a few months ago. it put a lot of players from our team in a slump as it was a psychlogical blow. there's wenger's interview somewhere where he said how arshavin told him just after the world cup quali that he just couldn't find mental strength to play football anymore. he found some though as he hadn't been useless last season with this goals and assists stat.
Dorbell

You must be an imbecile of even greater proportions than Arshavin. Arshavin is the santorum of this Arsenal side.