Verma Talks About His Injury Woes; Martin Makes His Podcast Debut

verma out for season, NOOOOO!!

Barking mad: the story of football, DNA and some very young boys
By Father Brian

Now on day release, Father Brian who still maintains his innocence has embarked on a journey of self discovery. His interest in boys is well documented (HM Govt vs. Fr. B Murphy 2009) but bravely he has decided to attempt to lift the sheets on the secretive world of La Mafia. This is an in depth, undercover expose of the famous Barka Academy.

Much has been written and spoken about the marvellous progress made by Barka and their brand of tippy tapas football.

They are reaping the rewards of far sightedness and long term investment and patience. Someone had a dream and the dream was about young boys. Young boys run wild and free, chasing a football in the warm Spanish sun with perspiration shining, the sound of laughter ringing around the Olive groves. That man was arrested, but his dream lived on.

La Mafia de Mary Con (to give it its full title) is the heart of the Barka’s Youth or puppy as they are affectionately known, farming system. It was not really much to shout about until in 1979, a certain man called Crufts fresh from success in a dog breeding programme rolled into town and suggested that it was to be converted into Ajax lite. Crufts later became the coach of Barka.

A disused farm cottage and stables built around 1702, it was more or less left empty save for farm animals and the occasional romantic roll in the hay until it was converted into a social headquarters in 1957. With the expansion of the national socialists across Spain it became too closeted. It was converted into a dormitory and it was decided to lump all of the promising players they could steal, beg, traffic, borrow or buy into it and convert it into a hot house, a veritable naked sauna of footballing talent.

The rules of admission are strict, you have to be over 7, male, impressionable and be able to kick a ball, it matters not your nationality but it helps if you have beautiful eyes.

After years of hard physical endeavour, when you are a teenager they move you to the puppy farm, the now famous Barka cottaging experiment can begin.

“There are obvious advantages in having all these young boys in one place and constantly available 24/7. Their footballing and personal development can be closely monitored. We even have CCTV in the showers.” A kennel spokesman maintained.

The insertion of Barka DNA occurs when the head groom (an historical title based on the prior use of the building) decides the young man will be most amenable and for legal reasons, usually just after his 17th birthday. This is best achieved at night, the number of insertions being at the groom’s discretion. Though there have been rumours of some boys needing a year or two of regular evening ‘one to one’ interventions before they fully conform to the Barka Doggy Style instinctively.

The current coach Pepsi was kidnapped from his village in Santpaedo and has lived there since he was 13 and hopes to be allowed home soon. It may sound extreme but it makes good financial sense since the transfer fees of young boys are not high it is not an expensive way to create a willing pool of malleable talent

Currently they have squeezed in around 60 young men, 90% from Spain, 50% from Catalonia (very different from Spain) and 10% from elsewhere. So they have around 150% of players available to them.

Currently 12 first teamers have graduated from La Contra or the quarry which they call their prey (B Team to you and me), from which they were mined, shaped and polished into the final article before being unleashed? onto an unsuspecting football stage.

Chances are though that any individual will not make it through this strict and difficult maturation policy, in fact only 5% may make it to the first team, a further 20% may find a home in professional football at some level.

The rest can be found loitering in the shadier parts of city centres everywhere usually late at night, a modern variant of pay and you can play.

The players of the Contras are divided into two categories, Pearls and Backbones (boners to the people in the know).

If you are the boner you are likely to be a bit older, not really that good at football, well actually comparatively shit, you will be kept a year of two to help the Pearls harden up and then sold or discarded. Your Barka DNA will have been removed whilst you sleep and no one will admit to having known you, ever.

If you are a Pearl you are a youngster with potential and may well remain to see if their grooming, polishing and continuous daily input can convert you to the finished article.

Many of the boys are helped to grow up, L**nel was pumped full of growth hormone to increase his stature, though it hasn’t worked particularly well, and the club have since discontinued the practice of buying drugs off the internet.

Some do escape to play elsewhere of their own volition these may be the more sentient of the Backbones, or an ambitious Pearl. They have the opportunity to seek out their own destiny without leaving their future to the Anal cut that happens every year. It is rumoured that many flee the Barka DNA insertion, hence the loss of many 16 year olds.

The first director of the residence was Joan Farces, whose son Joan? took over from him after his death in 1993, as they like to keep things in the family and all sons are called Joan. In a break from tradition Carless Floggim has been the director since 2004; he lives locally as he is unable to drive, due to an embarrassing underage trafficking conviction some years ago.

No less than 503 youngsters have passed through the cottaging system since 1979 and most of them failed to make the grade at Barka unable to fully demonstrate the famous Barka Doggy Style. Happily they have a metal chute that runs from an upstairs window; those Pearls who fail to make the grade are sent down the slide never to be seen again. The garden is littered with backbones and other skeletal remains.

But all of them left with warm memories and a lifelong passion for the red-and-blue stripes and were not bitter or disappointed. There is no suggestion that an investigation like that of the Catholic Church is being considered.

All of the boys there quickly learn the ‘Barka philosophy’ of patient possession football – followed by quick interchanges and rapid movement in attack and hunting for lost possession in packs. Though not seen in games most players can catch a Frisbee in their mouth whilst running a full speed. It is essential therefore that all players must be athletic, toned, lithe, photogenic, handsome, beautiful and most definitely light on their feet.

Now it would appear that this much lauded system actually took some time to produce a first team player or two. From its inception in 1979 amongst the first pedigree litters of La Mafia, were in the mid to late 1980s. They were Barry Manolo, Angel Pederast, Jordi Venial, and Gloria Esteban, oh and Nayim de Bastard.

Things really started to take off when Crufts, who was appointed Barka coach in 1988, built his ‘Dream Team’ around La Mafia products Pepsi and Shirley Gladiola, Glen Milla, Sergio Banjo and Ivan de la Penis.

Recent ‘graduates’ include Potholes, Chavi, Spot, Incest and Messy – all of them fundamental elements in Gladiola’s current all-conquering side – as well as players who have found success outside Barka such as Josie Rhiana and Michele Urethra. The latter despite press rumours to the contrary fled the kennel to avoid the indignity of Barka DNA insertion.

Whatever your reservations may be about the methodology the system clearly works. Barka players have won the Balloon Door and Golden Balls awards several years running, not to mention European and World Cups and ‘Best in Show, twice.

As head coach Gladioli said

“We’ve got a generation of football players that will find it difficult to reproduce.”

Is there a secret?

“Yes we have many secrets. But I don’t want to talk too much about that. We need youngsters and they need opportunities and everyone needs time, time to widen the circle of their friends, to experiment, to grow,” said a former Barcelona player. “We’re talking about minority values often misunderstood that are — quote, unquote — not negotiable.”

“We want to make them better players and better people by teaching them about respect, skin care, teamwork, humility, self grooming, obedience, alternative lifestyle choices, human sacrifice, applying yourself and commitment. “

La Mafia’s doors will close in 2012 and the courts willing the academy will be moving to a new, more modern residence with a greater capacity to perfect Barka’s Doggy Style.
Times may be changing at Barka, but ideas are not.

i had no idea all you fellow gooners were from the states. im from sydney,australia and let me tell you no one follows arsenal everyone is a manscum, chelsea or liverpool fan. and some times i find more tottenham supporters. go figure aye :)
its nice to finally put a state or country to some of you guys. sorry to say sairax but since when does Canada follow football(soccer) ? and while im talking about you, whats with the name ? i'd love to know its origins

"Since when does Canada follow soccer"

Actually, there's a decent following in Canada. We have a big immigrant population around the major cities, so a lot of people follow soccer because they are from soccer countries. It's definitely not the most popular sport in terms of attendance and tv. Hockey is THE sport in Canada, plus basketball, football, baseball, and even curling are all popular here, so soccer is not on the same level. One thing to note: at the youth level, more kids are enrolled now in soccer than in hockey. This is especially true for young girls, I believe. On top of all that, Canada will have 2 teams in MLS this year, Toronto and Vancouver. Both cities have pretty great fans :)

My real name is Sairah (pronounced "sigh"-rah, rhymes with Tyra, Myra) but my moniker on the Offside is, like Perry notes below, from Mortal Kombat. When I was little I used to hang out with all of my male cousins and my brother when they played video games and my cousin started calling me Sairax because of the character in the game, Cyrax.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

I've always figured her offside name came from Mortal Kombat.

Out of either boredom or curiousity, I was doing a search for famous people's birthdays on my b-day, which happens to be tomorrow (17th). And I came across two who y'all might have heard of. Lee Dixon and Pat Rice. How cool am I? I have the same b-day as those two guys. So happy b-day Pat and Lee.

Happy Birthday Homey!!

And happy birthday to you too :D

Cesar Luis Menotti:

"And to those who say that all that matters is winning, I want to warn them that someone always wins. Therefore, in a 30-team championship, there are 29 who must ask themselves: what did I leave at this club, what did I bring to my players, what possibility of growth did I give to my footballers?"

I'm a Barcelona fan, but when I saw this I wanted to show it to you guys. (Tried tweeting it to the Arsenal Offside account, but was too long to). I don't mean this in a disparaging way, but as an answer for people who demean Arsenal by saying winning is everything, because the guy so eloquently makes the point that winning isn't everything in that last sentence above.

From the story here: *http://www.guardian.co.uk/foot...

He also says "I maintain that a team is above all an idea," he said, "and more than an idea it is a commitment, and more than a commitment it is the clear convictions that a coach must transmit to his players to defend that idea. So my concern is that we coaches don't arrogate to ourselves the right to remove from the spectacle the synonym of festival, in favour of a philosophical reading that cannot be sustained, which is to avoid taking risks. And in football there are risks because the only way you can avoid taking risks in any game is by not playing…"

Among other very intelligent quotes.

I heard the podcast just now and found it riveting. It was a very objective analysis of our loses and I was glad that the main focus was not bad decisions and referee bashing. Great job on the podcast Martin. And hey I heard you saying "y'all"; are you based out of Texas?? I haven't been following this blog long enough to know where you are from.

Yep -- I'm a Southernor through and through -- born in Texas, grew up moving between Tennessee, Louisiana, and South Carolina. Although, as Sairax noted, I managed not to pick up too much of an accent -- I still drop my g's sometime and have kind of that "lazy" Southern tongue on certain things, but I don't think it's too apparent. Not much of a soccer following at all down here. In fact, I've thought about it over the years, and I think it's probably why I started blogging. I followed Arsenal a lot during law school, too, but had friends and classmates to watch matches and talk about stuff with, but once I came back down South, I didn't really have that and it probably drove me a bit crazy -- I really wanted a venue to talk about this stuff.

Fortunately in College Station we do have some soccer fans; Gooners, manures, blues and believe it or not some pool fans too (some had torres jerseys unfortunately :P :P). Barca fans are there in big numbers too (influence from across the border ?!?!). But yeah if u compare with football or basketball, soccer has a very limited following down south.

Am I the only European 'round here? I suddenly feel vulnerable..

The Martin is from South Carolina. I'm the only one from Texas who visits regularly, I believe.

I am also in Texas, College Station to be precise. An aggie and a gooner :) :)

I got family in Sugar Land! :D

lemme know if you are coming down to sugar land to meet family...we can meet up maybe !! :) :)

austin, tx! i'm not a longhorn asdf..don't be hating :)

We sawed those horns off last thanksgiving (that too in their own backyard...hah), so no worries there axel !!
BTO TU !!!

North Carolina. Sadly every other fan is a Manure or Chelsea or Barca bandwagon-er or Hispanics who like Manchester purely for the damn Pea. I think I'm the only Gooner in my area :(

How does it feel not being involved in CL, but painfully watching other teams. Who you guys rooting for or do not want to win.

Just be sure not to ask the Martin who he's pulling for now that Arsenal is out. You might not like the answer.

I think I see what you're getting at.

For the record, I'm rolling Shakhtar -- it would be sweet to see them unseat some of the big boys, and how great it would it be to see Eduardo lift the trophy? That's probably not going to happen, though, so of the realistic options, I'll take Barcelona. I know we don't like them, but which of the other big teams are less loathsome?

Well I always end up losing, because I pretty much pull for the little guys in every game. So for today, that's Lyon and Copenhagen. Like I said, I always end up losing. I like Schalke and Shakhtar of the ones left. I don't see that lasting long either.

Sairax,
Are you watching your dream boy play against Madrid right now? Or have you moved on from him?

I moved on for a while since I haven't been able to watch much Ligue 1 this season, plus I didn't like his whole transfer. But I'm watching now and I gotta tell ya...it's good to be back.

Anyone want to discuss the Ferguson 5 game ban? I don't think it will really hurt their results, but it made me laugh anyway.

Yeah, in this age of wireless mics, headsets, etc., I have to admit I don't quite understand what good it does to make a manager sit 100 feet away during the game. I'm not sure what the actual rules are about refraining from being involved in the match, but it seems like it would be fairly easy for him to still make decisions about strategy and substitutions even if he's not on the touch-line.

Given what happened over the course of the week since they asked me to do it weekend before last, and we actually recorded it, last weekend, I'm pretty sure I'll never be asked back, so enjoy it while it lasts.

In all seriousness, I have that thing where I can't listen to my own voice on a voice message or whatever, it makes me cringe, so I won't be able to listen to it, you guys will have to let me know how it went. My mentally-handicapped cat was being a pest the whole time and walking all around the computer -- you can probably hear his bell jingling at a couple of points. And at one point he freaked out and started chewing loudly on some plastic in the background away from the computer, so I was trying to simultaneously lean back and take the plastic away from him and keep talking close enough to the computer, so I'm sure that segment was fantastic... But Joel and Kyle were both very nice and fun to work with, so definitely keep up with them.

One comment about what you talked about. Ferguson has Wenger because no matter what, Wenger approaches every game the same, making it relatively easy for Ferguson to setup his team to counter-attack.
One question. You said you thought Squillaci played quite well this year. ....When?

I think he said that Kos has played well this year, except when paired with Squillaci. But maybe I'm mis-remembering.

That is certainly what I thought I said/meant to say. In fact, at one point I think I went on a mini-rant about how useless Squillaci was, not sure if they left that in or not.

So you really cringe when you hear your voice? That's ok. I cringe when I hear your voice too. Whhaaahahaha.

My ex used to say the same thing.

Just finished. Dammit you didn't give me shoutout! *shakes fist*

Well, I did give you a big plug at the end, and my funniest line was a cheap dig at Canada, but they must have edited it because the question and answer type stuff was over and we were kind of just talking at that point -- but I said they should definitely try to get you on at some point, and they said probably would.

Couldn't resist a dig at Canada eh? ;)

hahaha my cat bothers me when I write the blog sometimes so I feel your pain!

Listening right now, you're doing great. And whoever said you had a thick accent is a weirdo. It's like that time this girl told me she doesn't use ketchup because she finds it "too spicy". Seriously though, I'm enjoying it, well done!

For background, she was from New Jersey, and claimed that people from New Jersey did not have accents. So that probably explains a lot.

Podcast? Wow. Pretty soon the Martin won't be able to walk down the street without being mobbed by fans.

The Martin just sounds so cool.

I think the Ax should have written a headline that said, "The Martin Makes His Podcast Debut."

More like, "Podcast makes its The Martin Debut". :)

Happy 22nd Birthday Theo!